


The So-Called Home Theater

by seashadows



Category: Night at the Museum (Movies)
Genre: Don't copy to another site, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Humor, M/M, Movie Night, Pre-Slash, mentions of the Hobbit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:15:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23362303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seashadows/pseuds/seashadows
Summary: Larry should have known that in the museum, not even a movie viewing could go smoothly.(In which the exhibits can't go five minutes without providing color commentary, no one likes seeing Gollum onscreen, and an unexpected ship war breaks out.)
Relationships: Jedediah/Octavius (Night at the Museum)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 177





	The So-Called Home Theater

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lumateranlibrarian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lumateranlibrarian/gifts).



> For lumateranlibrarian, who co-won second place in my follower giveaway! :) 
> 
> This takes a lot from the first Hobbit movie, but I tried not to get too repetitive.

Offering to stream movies was bad enough, but Larry knew that bringing up the concept of movie snacks was a terrible idea.

Attila was the one who insisted on bringing popcorn, or to be specific, insisted that _Larry_ bring popcorn. He’d then almost blown up the microwave in the break room trying to make enough for the entire museum, no matter how much Larry insisted that the bags didn’t actually need to be in there for four minutes. Then the miniatures started insisting that they each get a piece, and before he knew it, Larry was regretting movie night before it even began.

Finally, _finally_ everyone settled on caramel popcorn (much to the detriment of the microwave, which Larry was going to have to clean later), made their way to the hanging sheet that would serve as their projector, and arranged themselves. “Rexy!” Larry scolded. “You don’t get to be in the front row, pal. Back of the group.”

Rexy groaned and shuffled behind everyone else. At least he’d learned not to simulate an earthquake every time he walked. “Better,” Larry said. “Okay, guys, you’ve all had your water breaks. The first movie of The Hobbit is starting now.” He slid the DVD into its slot and got started, then sat in his own chair to enjoy it.

He should have known that in the museum, not even a movie viewing could go smoothly.

“Stop!” Octavius cried far too loudly for someone his size as, onscreen, Thorin Oakenshield raised his sword. “His battle technique is lacking.”

A murmur of agreement came from the rest of the Roman legion. “It’s no wonder the creature got the better of him,” said one of the lieutenants.

Larry sighed and paused the movie. “Okay. Um, anyone who’s planning to talk about battle techniques – this movie wasn’t made by war historians. That’s not the point. It’s a story about friendship and finding home and stuff like that. Can we please try to let everyone watch?”

The exhibits promised not to interrupt again, but it wasn’t a vow that lasted long. “That’s real rude, just sittin’ down and takin’ his food like that,” said Jedediah as the scene with the Dwarves scarfing down Bilbo Baggins’s food began.

“I agree,” Teddy said. “Is this in the book?”

“Yes,” Larry told them. “It’s not really considered polite there, either. Can we keep watching?”

Everyone ‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’ a few minutes later when Bilbo passed out, which Larry had to admit was pretty funny. And then, blessedly, the exhibits were quiet as the movie progressed.

At least until an argument erupted about Thorin’s motives during the Rivendell scene, and oh, _hell_ , Larry knew he shouldn’t have gotten the extended edition. “Itzel wants to know if the king is truly mad,” said Yunuen, one of the Mayans. “He doesn’t look mad.”

“You can’t always tell,” Jedediah argued. “I knew a feller years ago – not here, back when I was big – and he was plumb off his rocker. Not the ‘seein’ stuff’ way, he just had a real weird way of thinkin’ things had to be done. And he got riled up about it.”

“I don’t think he’s supposed to be mad,” Larry said. He hadn’t read the book since sixth grade, but he did remember that there was a sad ending, and some message about not preferring gold over people that had flown over his head back then. “He’s just got a lot of problems. Can we please get back to the movie?”

“Aw, c’mon,” Jedediah said, “it’s an important question. Can you pause it again? I think we all gotta have a philosophical discussion about this.”

Larry groaned and put his head in his hands.

After that, he pretty much gave up on the idea of having a normal movie-watching experience. What was supposed to take three hours, maybe three and a half, ended up stretching far beyond that. “Hey, sunrise is in half an hour,” he said, just after the part with the goblins began. “We’ll have to finish this tomorrow night.”

There was a general grumble of discontent at that, which Larry had expected. “No, seriously, I’m not gonna be responsible for you turning to dust because you wouldn’t stop arguing about stone giants.” There had been a spirited discussion about whether they could conceivably be related to Rexy.

“Larry is right,” said Ahkmenrah, who had been amazingly quiet the entire time. Larry had caught him with a pensive look on his face a time or two. Probably thinking about Thorin Oakenshield and comparing their experiences as kings, which honestly was a valid viewpoint. “Everyone, back to your exhibits. We can finish the movie tomorrow night.”

That was enough to get everyone moving. “ _Thank_ you,” Larry told him fervently, once the majority of the exhibits had cleared out. “I had no idea how I would make them stop. They’re all surprisingly into this.”

“It’s a good movie,” said Ahkmenrah with a shrug. “Much better than that one with the rabbits.”

Larry winced. “I have no idea why that’s a kids’ movie,” he said. Admittedly, that one was his fault. He should have done his research on _Watership Down_ before showing it to Ahkmenrah on the computer – Ahkmenrah hadn’t copped to it, but there had definitely been tears in his eyes.

“It’s all right,” said Ahkmenrah, just as he had when Larry frantically apologized the first time. “No harm done. I should be getting back to the sarcophagus as well.”

“Sure,” Larry said. “I’ll clean things up here.”

Honestly, he thought sourly as he pushed his way through an avalanche of popcorn containers and sticky bits with a broom and a trash bag, this was worse than having kids. If Nicky had been visiting, they would have egged him on – no matter how much of an “adult” he was now - and then Larry would truly have lost his mind.

* * *

The next night, Larry began the proceedings with a warning. “I know you’re all enjoying the movie and your…discussions,” he said once he’d gathered the museum’s population in the front lobby, “but if you keep arguing with each other, I’m going to stop projecting it.”

There was a general outcry at that, which he’d expected. Christopher Columbus started shouting angrily in Italian; Larry decided he didn’t even want to think about what that might mean. “Yeah,” he said, “whatever that was, you’re proving my point. You – Dexter, popcorn belongs in your mouth, not on Sacagawea’s head!” The monkey subsided with a pout. “Anyway, let’s find where we left off.”

He’d seen the Lord of the Rings movies ages and ages ago, when Nicky was just a kid and he and Erica had still been getting along. Erica had gone all starry-eyed over the elves, but Larry remembered just being freaked out by the thing that lived in the cave. “Yikes,” he said when that same _thing_ appeared on the screen after the laugh-fest that was the goblin cave scene. “Forgot how scary he was.”

“Now who’s interrupting?” said Ahkmenrah, laughing.

Larry cracked a smile. “Point taken.”

It seemed like the cave-dweller – right, _Gollum_ – was as gross to the rest of the museum as he was to Larry. “The heck is that weird thing?” Jedediah demanded. “Gigantor, you didn’t warn us about it!”

“Sort of forgot he existed,” Larry admitted. “I can fast-forward if you want.” The elephant trumpeted from the back. “Okay, that’s one for skipping the scene. Anyone else?”

“You’ll do no such thing!” said Octavius. “That creature is clearly very important to the movie. Do you see his eyes? The mania in them signifies –“

“C’mon, it don’t signify a thing!” Jedediah argued. “He’s just plain creepy. I think we should fast-forward.”

Larry recognized the argument they were settling into, and he knew that it would just snowball if he didn’t step in. “Okay,” he said, “let’s shut this down now. All in favor of fast-forwarding through the scene, raise your hands.” He paused long enough to get a general idea of the hand count. “And all in favor of watching it, raise your hands – yeah, the ‘watch it’ people have it. Anyone who doesn’t want to see it can walk away for a few minutes or cover their eyes.” 

That strategy seemed to work well – only one exhibit had to leave when Gollum came onscreen, and it was one of Ahkmenrah’s guards. Everyone cheered when Bilbo got the ring, Larry included – and then started whooping when Thorin followed up his shouting with a hug.

Wow. He hadn’t been expecting _that._

“So,” he said over the ending credits music, “what did everyone think?” A wall of sound greeted him, and he held up a hand, laughing. “One at a time, jeez!”

“Bilbo and Thorin become a couple in the sequel, right?” Ahkmenrah said. “They’re clearly – no,” he said, holding up his hands, “don’t complain, you know I’m right!”

“Son, I think you might be grasping at straws,” said Teddy, shaking his head. “There’s no proof that anything like that will happen.”

Larry shrugged. “Well, I’m putting the sequel on next week, so we’ll see then.” It wasn’t a terrible theory. He’d seen worse chemistry in movies before, even romantic comedies. “I thought we agreed, we weren’t going to get offended by stuff like that.”

“I’m not offended!” Teddy protested. “I just think it’s a crackpot idea.”

“I don’t,” Octavius piped up. The miniatures were sitting on the high ledge of the front desk, so Larry could easily see the intensity of his expression. “They’ve clearly formed a bond between warriors. Bilbo is an unconventional warrior, certainly, but I think the gods have fated them to be in a relationship between equals, not that of a soldier and his superior.”

“You and your bonds,” said Jedediah. “They’re best pals, that’s all there is to it. Stickin’ together through thick and thin, that’s what they’re gonna be. No one in a relationship argues that much with the other person.”

Ahkmenrah held his fist up to his mouth and stifled a laugh, eyes crinkling with laughter. “You think so?” he said in a strangled tone. “You think that their arguments preclude a relationship?”

Jedediah folded his arms. “Sure as shootin’.”

“Your lack of ability to even consider alternative points of view,” said Octavius loftily, “makes you every bit the plebeian that I thought you were. You’re lucky that I consider you my friend.”

“And _you’re_ durn lucky that I don’t consider you hittin’ you with my Smith and Wesson anymore!”

“ _Whoa_.” Larry had promised years ago that he wouldn’t pick either of them up anymore unless absolutely necessary, but he hadn’t promised that he wouldn’t slide his phone between them to separate them, so that was what he did. “No threatening violence, you two.”

Jedediah crossed his arms. “Ain’t threatenin’ violence. You know I wouldn’t hurt him. Not _really_.” He looked sidelong at Octavius. “Friends can threaten each other all they like.”

“Only if those threats have no teeth,” said Octavius, but his tone had softened, too. “I believe we were debating whether the bond between Bilbo Baggins and Thorin Oakenshield went deeper than that of friendship.”

“Sure were,” Jedediah said. “Now, who’s on my side? Let’s get a _real_ debate goin’!”

The lobby broke into bickering, thankfully more civilized than the arguments that had broken out over anything having to do with weapons. Larry leaned back in his chair and sighed. “Great job,” he said, more to himself than anyone around. “I think the first movie night was a success.”

“As do I,” said Sacagawea, who was seated next to Ahkmenrah near the desk. “Are we going to watch the sequels soon?”

“Next week. I can’t deal with this again _three_ nights in a row.”

“Good idea,” said Ahkmenrah, shuddering. “These so-called debates are almost as vicious as the one Kahmenrah and I were embroiled in before he killed me.” Larry echoed the shudder. If Kahmenrah was as much of a piece of work in life as he was in death, he wasn’t surprised that Ahkmenrah found the memories unpleasant. “Incidentally, what do _you_ think about Bilbo and Thorin?”

“If they were together?” Larry asked. Ahkmenrah nodded. “You know…” He took another look at Jedediah and Octavius, who had gotten into each other’s faces to shout. “You know, I think they just might have been.”


End file.
